Designing Mama

Scared of being a "Real" mom - Pregnancy after Loss Update (24 Weeks)

Luana CardenasComment

I have done a pretty good job at updated my Instagram a few times a week. But much to my surprise, and despite thinking that doom is lurking at the end of every week or that the doctor is bound to tell me something horrible at every bi-weekly check up, things have been pretty quiet and uneventful around here! Trust me, I'm so thankful for "quiet" and thrilled for "uneventful" and so so happy every single scan and test has come back negative. It's just that Solomon was a perfect and healthy baby boy the entire pregnancy.. and well, then he wasn't.

I guess I just know that things can take a turn for the worst at any time. And in a weird way, my subcontious has been preparing for bad news since the day I got a positive home pregnancy test. Every ultrasound, every single check up has gotten me playing out multiple horrible (and highly unlikely) scenarios in my mind. Theres always a fear that I'll swim this huge ocean and drown in shallow waters... again.

Nevertheless, I am slowly finding myself calming down as I am finally 24 weeks (A big Milestone for loss mommas)! Because that finally means that, for if any reason our Violet had to be born immediately, she would have a 50%-70% chance of surviving. The journey would not be easy... but she would most likely live... and that's kind of reassuring.

So Ive passed the halfway mark of pregnancy over about 5 weeks and the feeling of reality that an actual baby is coming is kind of freaking me out. It's weird because I never had this feeling with Solomon. I was so ready, I was so easy positive, Oh God...I was so naïve (Insert eye rolls at old me). 

I go on youtube these days and search for "Day in the life with a newborn", "Newborn night time routine", "Baby's first bath", " How to... do this and that with a newborn", etc. These little videos keep me up for hours and I can't believe that is going to be me one day!

I'm excited, yet I'm absolutely terrified. I can't wait to see what it's actually like... I have never had to be a "REAL" mom before. Sure, I gave birth to a beautiful little prince, and I am forever Solomon's mommy. And being so has been such a gift. However, It has never required me to actually bathe a living newborn, or feed a newborn with actual elements of my own body (Which I hear is not exactly a walk in the park), or stay up all day and be up night with a reaaaaal baby. These are things I have never EVER had to do! Let me spell it out for you, I have ZERO experience! I mean, I've only ever been pregnant, 15 whole months to be exact. That is a whole year of pregnancy and then some, and I still have 3 more months to go! I seem to be pretty good at being pregnant, which is great. It's just going to be so weird to not be pregnant anymore, and to actually have a living and breathing baby outside of this baby growing machine of mine. Oh, the concept! it sounds so scary yet so magical and wonderful, yet like, really really hard.

On a positive note, It hasn't all been doom and gloom. I started buying some girly things for Violet (Lots of cute and cheap outfits on Amazon), I attended my first La Leche League meeting (A breast feeding support group), and we should be closing on our new house soon! So soo excited to get things going with the new house even though we are a long way from having Violet's room ready or anything else for that matter. After the closing, we still have to rip out all existing flooring, install new tile, paint, move in, etc. I don't foresee having anything ready before Violet arrives... but that's ok. All that matters is that she will finally be here with us.

The good ol' ugly employee bathroom selfie:)

The good ol' ugly employee bathroom selfie:)

I guess I have a lot to look forward to! I know my deep love for Violet will guide me through all the rough times and learning stages... I just can't wait to meet my little mermaid!

P.s. Does anyone else have a granny wardrobe during pregnancy?? lol large fluffy cardigans is the real MVP.