Designing Mama

Not what I thought 26 would look like

Luana Cardenas5 Comments

Weeks after loosing Solomon, I was sure that I was so strong. I was sure that I would get through this and be able to get back to "normal life" in no time. I saw the other mothers who were farther along in their grief. I saw how much they still struggled, and the truth is I looked down on them. I thought maybe they were not strong enough, maybe they didn't have a good support system, maybe they didn't have faith.

Oh, how I was so wrong in so many ways.

I learned the hard way that time is not always a friend. I also learned that I have not yet fully accepted my son's death. I have been spending my days pushing the bulk of the pain away for the simple fact that 1. I have been so busy and 2. it is so exhausting and time consuming to deal with it and 3. It hurts. It hurts so much that my hurt, hurts. 

I am now that mother that I looked down on. Eleven months after the loss of my perfect boy, and I am still so extensively broken.

I wonder... when God made me, had He already arranged this tremendous pain? Or did God just resolve it on the way? (Sighh)

I'm pretty sure the crazy has been kicking in extra strong these days. It's hard to tell since crazy has turned into the new normal. Maybe it's the hormones. Maybe I'm pregnant (nope).. maybe my period is coming that I feel especially discouraged and down (yep). Maybe its because I share a birthday month with my angel and I wish it didn't have to be this way. Whatever it is, and for all that it is...I never thought my 26th year would look like this. I never thought that at 26, I would have to fight to be happy.

I don't want anyone to get the impression that I have "moved on". That somehow, almost a year later, things must be better by now. From seeing pregnant women to seeing my coworkers breast milk in the break room fridge, every turn is a reminder that my arms and heart are so empty.

But everyday I pray for God to give me wisdom and guidance. And despite all I feel on a daily basis, I truly want to live a life I can be proud of. And even though it is so soooo hard, I would like to always find a way to choose gratitude and happiness.

This August 2nd, I want to remember that I still have my health, a job, a home, and a loving family. This August 2nd, I am still young, smart, and beautiful (On the inside and outside). This August 2nd I am wiser and stronger than I ever thought I could be. This August 2nd I will kick even more ass at the gym to bring me even closer towards my goal of being the best fit mom for my future rainbow.

Living happy moments.

Living happy moments.

It's not easy to choose gratitude and happiness when the floor has been ripped out from under you. In fact, I think I might have to make this decition over and over again every single day for a good while. But I will try to remember that my son lives in Gods divine presence, which always seems to put a smile on my face.

It will hurt to be without my son on my first birthday after his passing. And this is definatley not what I thought 26 would look like. But I know for sure my Solomon would want his mommy to be happy.