For eight months I have been on what I can only describe as a crazy emotional roller coaster (So original, I know). So just like any roller coaster, my little life cart rides up very high and I have moments that I know almost for a fact that everything is going to be ok. But when that little cart reaches the top and at that moment it slows down to where you can hear it clicking at the edge of the fall... There are certain things, certain days, for example that can trigger the fall, and in turn cause an immense and crippling pain in my heart. That's when I realize that I actually do not know if everything will ever be ok at all.
On Mother's Day of last year, I was still holding my precious Solomon in my womb. Every day I spent with Sol was the best day. But that May 8th was extra special. It was my first Mother's Day. It was also the day I found out my baby was a little prince. (Solomon’s Gender Reveal)
This time around, I never imagined I'd spend such a happy day in such darkness. I know exactly what I'm in for, too. A day complete with hearts and flowers to honor mothers (with living children) on their special day. Every commercial, every sign, every storefront, people celebrating all around me... there is no running away from it. And I don't have to tell you what my Facebook and Instagram feed is going to look like. Mothers will proudly display their human creations. Some might post humerous memes of what their mothers day might look like with a new born or a toddler. What about me? Do I post a picture of my diseased son to remind everyone that I was/am a mother too? I know better to stay clear of social media because I know no one will post for me. I'm still debating go to church to avoid the inevitable Mother's day service. Do I stand when they ask all the Mother's to stand? It will be too hurtful! Please don't get me wrong, It's a beautiful day that is so amply necessary. But this is my second Mother's Day, and there is nothing to celebrate.
When this Sunday comes along, I will remember how amazing it was to be a mother. I will remember the amazing gift God gave me but then took away. I will remember my naps with him, my talks to him, the prayers I used to say and the songs I used to sing. His nursery is still set up in my home, the dreams I had of his life are still set up in my heart.
All I ever wanted was the best for my son. Its a hard thing to accept when the best for him was to be away from me.
Today my roller coaster is not moving forward. It is not moving at all. Im just sitting here. Alone. I miss my son. I feel the emptiness of his loss in my bones.
Solomon was my true love. He made me a mother. I was born to love him and I will never stop doing so.
Happy not so Mother’s day to all the loss mothers who are childless parenting. I know we don't want flowers or chocolates today, but the love and warmth of a baby moving inside our belly, the emotional connection that comes when a little one latches onto our breast, to embrace a living creation that formed from the love of our soul. I dream, hope and pray next year will be different.
Today I honor my fellow loss mommies whom have lost on all walks of gestation, the TTC mommies who long to hold a baby in their arms. Today I honor my own mother because I am because of her. And if you are a mother, I honor you too. Be patient, be strong... enjoy your children as if it were the last time.