I'm sure all of you know by now that I'm a mom with no baby. I mean, how can you forget? I only remind you ever week as I write on my blog about it and my journey of grief.
When I lost my precious baby suddenly a few months ago, in no way did that take away my title as being a mother. To the contrary, I worked hard for that child. I endured nine beautiful (yet hard) months of gestation, I labored for 48 hours, and even had my uterus cut open with a sharp blade and sewn back together like a human doll (no biggie, right?). Here's the thing, No one can tell me that I am not a mom. I have the scars to prove it!! Emotionally and physically, and both are not cute.
One thing another loss mommy once told me, "You will always be Solomon's mother". Even though I know this to be true, to hear someone else say those words out loud sounds like a beautiful song, and this song touched my soul in particular.
Even though I'm not a regular mommy, and I have no baby to care for, there are are still ways that I am currently parenting.
I parent my son when I think of him. I parent my son when I honor him by speaking of him. I parent him when I'm all Googly eyes over pictures of his precious face. I do all of these things dearly and with tons of love. I know these things may not seem greatly important to most people, but they mean the entire world to me.
I am also being a parent as I pray for my future child(ren). I want to be a good mom by preparing a wonderful path for my "rainbow", when he or she comes. I pray for his/her safety and health inside my womb. I pray not only this baby will be born alive, but that every cell in his/her body will grow and thrive and always walk in the will of the Lord. I pray this baby will be kind, smart and athletic (that last one is optional but I throw it in for dad).
Another way I am currently parenting is by preparing my body to be the perfect incubator for Solomon's future little brother or sister. This is a work in progress, but I am eating (somewhat) healthy. I cut out red meat and am trying to eat extra veggies for dinner. In addition, prenatal vitamins and folic acid tablets. I plan to start juicing on the regular soon as well.
Parenting without children is actually quite hard. Grieving Solomon and preparing to get pregnant again is not exactly the ideal parenting situation. But it is MY current parenting situation, and I want to be the best mom/parent that I can be.
To Solomon and Solomon's future siblings, I want to be the best for you.
Childless parenting? Yea, I just made it a thing.