It's been fourteen weeks since the unthinkable happened (but who's counting). Almost four months since the day I found out that my sons heart stopped beating. On good days, it seems like it's been years since he's gone. Other days it feels like it was just last week.
Three months may not seem like a long time, but a lot of healing has happened during this time. I've cried myself to sleep and cried out to God countless times. I have questioned every health care provider I came in contact with during my pregnancy, and even questioned myself as a mom. I have been through ups and downs, but today I find myself in a place of acceptance and peace. It is a bumpy road for sure, but I would not be where I am today without my faith in God. His presence and the dogma of his word brings me hope and comfort. His word inspires me to move forward.
Since the day my Solomon left me, even while I was in the hospital with his tiny lifeless body still inside of me, I wanted to put my enemy to shame. I wanted to prove to him that nothing would ever get in the way of my faith and relationship with Jesus, not even the worst thing he could find to do to me. Though my relationship with God has never been perfect (constantly a work in progress), my parents taught me who I should always rely on. So, although the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on my house, it did not fall, because it (The house) had been founded on the rock [Mathew 7:25]. Because God is my rock and foundation, I feel confident in my faith and believe the following to be true...
My son is in Heaven
Now they were bringing even infants to him that he might touch them. And when the disciples saw it, they rebuked them. But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. [Luke 18: 15-16]
God will complete his good work in me
I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born.” The Lord says this: “I promise that if I cause you the pain of birth, I will not stop you from having your new nation.” [Isaiah 66:9]
I will be a mom again
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. [Mathew 7:7-8]
I still feel angry, troubled and extremely anxious at times. I struggle with interacting with people and it has been really hard making even the simplest decitions on my own. I have developed several insecurities as a cause of my grief (That's a whole other blog post). However, and with the help of God's truth, I find a way to climb myself out of the depression that can overcome me if I let it. I know I still have a significant road of healing ahead of me. God has given me many things; I won't question Him when he takes them away. [Job 1:21]
Sometimes is is very hurtful to justify why bad things happen us. Like, did I really have to sacrifice my son so God could make a point? It sucks so bad, but that is where faith comes in. Even when I don't understand, I will trust God is in control.
As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi,who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “This happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. John 9: 1-3
>>Disclaimer: I am not perfect. I don't have it all figured out. I curse and sin every day. I am also absolutely NO Bible authority. I just know I need God and his hope through life's toughest times, hmm k.
Are there any Bible verses that you find hope in? :)